To all my friends out there worried about me...

I think I might be coming to my senses..

just sayin....

Discovery

I have to quit the Facecrack.


and get back to my blog.


and re-evaluate whats going on in my life.


I realized something the other day...


in the last 23 years, I lost myself.


Someone once called me an "indentured servant" and I can see that now. I was. But I'm not anymore. I lost who I was while focusing on my family. I forgot to take care of ME in the process too. And now I see how important that is.

Someone else said I am "shedding people"...my daughter got moved away, got married, one son in away in college, another son getting ready to go to college/the service/??? who knows what, my mom died, my brother has never been in my life....so who's there for me? No one. Shedding people.

So its time for ME. I know this will piss some people off. But in all the years I gave to my family, I deserve to have some time to myself now. I sacrificed alot. No...no one made me. I gave it willingly and with lots of love, and I gave it everything I had. And I think I did a pretty good job. so now I need to turn some of that attention on myself.


I need to find that person again...the one who loved to dance all night long, the one who loved to laugh out loud at a dirty joke...the person who wanted to BE something, someone. the skinny person who is hiding inside me, waiting to get out. The person who used to flirt shamelessly with every cute guy she saw, and never ever thought it would go anywhere. just flirt for the sake of flirting. The person who used to feel attractive. The person who could read 4 books in 2 days, and actually remember the titles and what they were about. The person who's brain wasn't mush.

I'm going to take some time and find out who I am NOW. I know I can't go back in time, and I really wouldn't want to. I'm starting to like who I am now...and I need to find out more about her. I'm not just a "mom" anymore. My kids are getting older and don't need me as much, so my focus has to change and adapt.

It's time to find myself and make that person happy. she's done a good job and she deserves it. Time to find out what she wants out of life, what makes her tick and what makes her happy. Midlife crisis? maybe. Maybe not. maybe I'm just coming to my senses and seeing what life is all about. Maybe I'll stay where I am..maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move away to some island somewhere and maybe I won't. But I know that I will find my OWN way and find out who I am in the process.

Someone shoot me and put me outta my misery!!!!

I am SOOO freakin bored today, it's not even close to being funny.

I want to pull my hair out!

the dogs are whining....I HATE whining.

but the good thing is this:

I lost 6 pounds this week.

Don't ask me how...it's stress. and it's eating me from the inside out.

I haven't weighed this amount (and no I'm not telling the number...not yet anyway) for TWENTY YEARS.

Yes, I said TWENTY YEARS. In fact, I weighed more than this when I was 9 months pregnant withmy biggest kid, Bud, who weighed 9lbs 5ozs when he was born.

My clothes don't fit. All of my jeans are too big and I have no money to buy new ones. Jeans I just bought last month are too big.

Does it sound like I'm complaining? ;) I don't mean too.

I'm just so freaking bored I want to scream!!!



AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

My kid hates school.

I get a text from him every day

"Can you come and get me? I hate it here."

what am I supposed to do?

I tell him no, he has to stay in school. Bring his grades up, yada yada.

I think it will be better next year when he can go to TCTC and learn a trade he's interested in...auto body and that kind of crap.

At least I hope so.

another list, and read the whole thing Dog!

things I'm loving right now:

...Nutella. nuff said.

...International Delight coffee creamer in "Caramel Macchiato". good GOOD stuff.

...the cheese grater that Rae and Mike got me for Christmas last year. Just like Olive Garden's and I love it!

...sunshine, which we have some of right now.

...Jamie Foxx. I'm watching his old show on tv and he is really funny, and he's HOT and he can SANG.

...no wonder Kirstie Alley wants him so bad!

...mojitos. nuff said.

...making lists! HA!

...NCIS LA. I am loving that show. and LL Cool J?..mmm hmmmm.

...Also LOVING "Burn Notice". I want to be Fiona.

...the movie "The Ugly Truth". HILARIOUS and so true. so so so true!

...friends who are always there for me...you know who you are!

I know I've been a little neglectful lately...

I promise to get back to "it" whatever "it" is...

my life is super stressed right now and I can't seem to find the time to pee let alone blog.

and that damn Facebook is taking over my life.

Lots going on...

..job. I hate it. simple as that. its boring and mundane yet I feel like a complete ass cuz I don't know what I'm doing on the computer. NOT a good feeling. I'm a reasonably intelligent woman and catch on to things pretty quickly, but I came home yesterday and CRIED. I was so damn frustrated with everything by that point...I got in to the tub and just cried my eyes out. did I feel better after? not really.

..kids. Kids are good. they're all busy with their own lives, which is what I want for them. So that's good.

..marriage. can't really talk about that on here.

..life in general. sucks right now. stress is taking over my life and I'm a nervous wreck all the time,. I can't eat, I can't sleep....nor do I want to do either of those things. What I DO want is to be on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, eating fresh pineapple and drinking coconut milk right outta the coconut...with some hot pool boy attending to my every whim and need.

So I promise I will try to get back here and visit ya'll soon. I miss you.

Some Photos of some Dogs

While I was in San Diego, I got to see a friend from high school, John. We took his dogs to the dog beach one day and this is what I got, among many others.





His Great Dane, Caesar


Caesar running through the surf


Caesar again, running faster than the waves!


This is Rahna, his Rottweiler. She is such a special girl. A former FBI drug dog and she's about to be a Mama soon. I loved this dog, let me tell ya. There is something special about her...can't put my finger on it, but we bonded big time.


And like a typical woman, she POSED for me!!! She saw that camera and she turned. it. on. You should see some of the shots I got of her...wow. she needs her own calendar!

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I know I talk about San Diego all the time, but I cannot even describe what that city did to me. I felt like I was at "home" for the first time in a very long time. It was relaxed and sunny and wonderful. Maybe it was just the vacation that did that? I don't know, but I do know I want to go back..I HAVE to go back.

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Evan is home after oral surgery and doing crappy. what a horrible patient he is already! WOW. I am in for it, that's' for sure. Not good. I drugged him up good and hopefully he will sleep and not choke on all that gauze in his mouth. eewwww.

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I worked my first 3 hours last night. WOOHOO!!! I think I'm gonna like it. I know it's not like a "career" or anything like that, but it's a job that I have and I will make my OWN money. That means the world to me, especially after being so suppressed for years. Money is not a good subject with Marvin, as you all well know. So he can keep his account to himself, cuz I will soon have my own money that he can't say anything about. It's a very freeing feeling.... becoming my own person, with my own thoughts and ideas and wants and needs. And ways to go about getting them!

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and to top it all off, there was ICE on the car this morning when I took Austin to school. have I told ya'll how much I LOVED San Diego? ;)